Dog Ground

Dog Ground

Boy and his dog die in Minooka retention pond
Ryan Rames took his beloved dog Sammie for a walk as he normally would on a Saturday morning in his neighborhood in Minooka, southwest of Joliet.
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The government has reacted swiftly to an outbreak of suspected Feeling Poorly Armageddonodemic (also known as Irritable Vole Virus) by sealing off "ground zero" of the outbreak (Tracy Bonkers, 911 Queasy Street, Anemia, Arkansas) and paying manufacturers Disease-U-Like Inc $400,000,000 dollars to make available their 20000 ton stockpile of the 0N0 vaccine.

Disease-U-Like CEO, Apocalypse Horseman (27) told this reporter: "My company has unlimited stocks of the vaccine ready to go as soon as the government's check clears. It is an amazing coincidence and very fortunate for the fate of every man, woman and child on this planet that we had just happened to have developed the Irritable Vole vaccine and manufactured stockpiles last year, long before anyone had even heard of IVV - or indeed before it actually existed!"

Mr Horseman went on to explain that his corporation and its regional marketing subsidiaries, often referred to as "governments," have drawn up plans for mass inoculation of everyone, including unborn babies, in the hope they can prevent Feeling Poorly spreading from Ms Bonkers to someone else.

The mass inoculations are expected to involve mobilization of the army, navy and air force to get the vaccinations done "before anyone realizes what's happening" which is always considered the best and safest approach so far as government policy is concerned.

"It is a matter of damage limitation" said Janus Notlyin of the Department of Public Acquiescence. "If we can move swiftly enough, we can limit how much danger the public realizes it is in before the damage is done and then we can move on to the next crisis before the public realizes they have been....er, done."

When asked about the mobilization of the armed forces, particularly the tanks, Mr Notlyin explained: "It's just a precaution. The main preoccupation of our troops will be little more than rounding people up, holding them down and firmly but gently explaining to them that the compulsory vaccination is for their own good because if they don't come quietly and take it they could after all get hurt. Besides, the troops will be armed primarily with tranquillizer guns and tear gas. Live rounds will be reserved for emergencies and nutritionists only."

The first citizen to volunteer to receive the compulsory vaccine will be Ms Ground Zero herself. Unfortunately she was unavailable for comment, having barricaded herself into her home and police are awaiting the arrival of a tank from the nearby army base.

She appears fortunately to still be alive and was heard to shout from the other side of the barricades: "I'm feeling a lot better now! Honest! You can all go away! I'm fine!"

Mr Notlyin explained that "feeling better" is one of the signs that the disease has taken a turn for the worse and that injecting the person with the vaccine has become of paramount importance before they "recover" and "don't need it.".

When asked about the rumored side effects and stories that trials of the vaccine killed 150 laboratory mice, with another 50 male mice growing breasts, Mr Notlyyin said:

"During three days of exhaustive trials not one human being died from the vaccine, although admittedly one lab tech was hospitalized after accidentally inhaling it but he is expected to make a full recovery in a year or two."

When pressed about the mice deaths, he said, "You cannot conclude anything from the death of a few mice. Mice after all are not people and we have not tested our vaccine on people for obvious health reasons...

Here, in case you were wondering, is a list of the ingredients of a typical dose of the Irritable Vole vaccine:

-Artificial Tan
-Irritable vole spleen (diced)
-Giraffe brain slices
-Stale cheese (grated)
-Paint thinner
-Colorings (assorted)
-Flavorings (wood, copper)
-Nail clippings (dog)
-Blood (vole, gannet, armadillo)
-Brain (bison, tit)
-Assorted viscera (mammal)
-Eye of N........

Excuse me I'll finish this later, I think I'm gonna barf.....

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